A Perfect Blend
Approaching the hurdles of life in a blended family

by Kim Perrone

 Is the toothpaste cap consistently off the tube? Wasn’t it his turn to take out the garbage?

Families certainly require compromises. Sprinkle in previous marriages, stepchildren and unexpected concessions, and the resulting stress could strain the very ties you are trying to bind.

Yet, in a country where 25 to 30 per cent of Canadian children experience blended family life, adjustments need to be handled gently. This is easier said than done, but not impossible. According to Bev Nodrick, RSW, and Bill Nodrick, Ph.D. — directors of The Stepfamily Foundation of Alberta (www.stepfamily.ca) — it may take two years of gradual improvement to feel like a family.

So start immediately. Open your heart and meet stepfamily challenges head-on.

UNITED FRONT

Children need to see the merged family’s adults as co-captains. “Only when the couple functions well as a team will everyone’s needs be adequately met,” say the Nodricks.

In their book, God Breathes on Blended Families (Healing Place Productions, Inc., 2000), Moe and Paige Becnel speak from experience. They believe that each spouse should discipline their biological children at least in the beginning. However, respect must also be implanted for the new parent.

Maria and Terry Jones of Edmonton struggled with different parenting styles when merging their families. How did they establish authority? “We had to be united in front of the children, even if we did not agree with each other,” says Maria.

STEP UP

Kids adjusting to blended family life often wrestle with guilt, anger, fear and resentment. So expect your stepchildren to treat you as an outsider at first. Break through remoteness, over time, by acting as a supportive friend. Kids will be more likely to see you as a bonus in their lives instead of a replacement figure. The
Nodricks suggest helping to choose a gift for the absent parent, or asking about fond memories of a deceased Mom or Dad.

The University of Nebraska offers further insight into stepchildren’s emotions at www.ianr.unl.edu/pubs/family/NF223.htm.

CANCEL RESERVATIONS

What if you, the adult, have reservations about parent-stepchild dynamics? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you are willing to get past obstacles. “[A relationship] takes years to develop because of the lack of early foundational years with the stepchildren,” explains Terry Jones.

The Becnels point out that you can be the tool God uses to heal a stepchild’s broken heart. “Make a choice to choose [your stepkids] … adopt them mentally and emotionally,” urges Moe. In other words — Jesus’ words — “Love each other as I have loved you.”

Paige adds, “ … with all of the dynamics of a blended family, families lose this insight. It becomes ‘I’ll take care of me and my children, you take care of yours.’ ”
Demonstrate the choice to love by establishing one set of rules for everybody.

Look for activities that strike a chord with the whole group, and arrange schedules so everyone can vacation together. Realize that what’s good for your natural child is good for your new child.

COMMON GROUND

New sibling dynamics often result in feuding — especially when some of your children only live at home on occasion. The Nodricks encourage parents to step back and let the kids arrive at their own solutions. However, it’s necessary to establish an equal playing field, by giving each child responsibilities — regardless of how often they reside at home. Hold family meetings to emphasize that everybody’s opinion matters.

GOOD COUNSEL

If your family’s struggling, find a counselor who has specific training with stepfamilies. According to the Nodricks, “generic” family counseling may not help much. The Step Family Foundation of Alberta offers referrals.

THAT’S THE SPIRIT!

Don’t let the complexities of blended family life overshadow your spiritual life. Maria Jones says, “The love that Jesus has for us helped us to love our stepchildren and each other when things were rough.” Faith in God, and in each other, creates a common ground and a binding love.

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